


Happy VD!

by totallyrandom



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Coach Finstock cares about safe sex, Condoms, Fluff, Gen, High School, High School Student Stiles Stilinski, Holidays, Movie Quotation(s), Silly, Valentine's Day, but there's no sex in this story, happy vd, salutatorian stiles stilinski, valedictorian lydia martin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 08:25:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5998768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/totallyrandom/pseuds/totallyrandom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles walks into his civics class first period on Friday to see “Happy VD!” scrawled in 6-inch letters on the chalkboard. At that size, Coach Finstock’s handwriting is surprisingly legible. Stiles isn’t sure if that’s a bad thing or a hilarious thing in this case. As with most Coach-adjacent happenings, it’s a lot of both.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Happy VD!

**Author's Note:**

> For real, one of my history teachers in high school wrote “Happy VD!” on the board on Valentine’s Day every year. He was our favorite, for obvious reasons.
> 
> VD = venereal disease. It’s the old-school way of saying STD or STI (sexually transmitted disease/infection). _Venereal_ is related to the Latin _venus_ : [merriam-webster.com/dictionary/venereal](http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/venereal)

It’s finally second semester of their senior year and all's quiet on the supernatural front. No one has tried to kill them in _months_. College applications are long gone and it’s perfectly clear that _no one_ cares about academics anymore. Everything’s all school dances and drunken parties and lacrosse games and part-time jobs. It’s the most relaxed the pack has been since they arrived at high school as fresh meat. 

All the seniors are blatantly counting down the weeks until they can get the fuck out of BHHS forever, and the teachers are just as ready for them to go the hell away already. Everything at school is pleasantly and unexpectedly chill. 

Tardiness isn’t something anyone’s worried about when no one’s even bothering to take attendance anymore. And no one’s getting detention unless someone ends up in the nurse’s office gushing blood. The next 3 months are going to be a fucking cakewalk.(1) Hell, last week Coach Finstock pretended _Bill & Ted_ was a “history lesson.”(2) 

It’s still only February, but everyone in their class knows Lydia and Stiles will be the ones giving the graduation speeches. Danny’s already opened a betting pool on how long the principal will let Stiles drone on at graduation before pushing him off the stage. Lydia is loyal enough to refuse that bet. She is, however, snarky enough to help Danny design a commencement speech bingo card for Stiles’s salutatorian speech.(3) 

Stiles, on the other hand, hasn’t even bothered brainstorming for the speech. He’s not procrastinating so much as low-key assuming a giant mayor-snake is going to destroy the school before he has to worry about it.(4) 

If they all miraculously survive the semester, Stiles can just quote _Bill & Ted_ and then sit the fuck down. He figures that for parting wisdom, you can’t really beat “Be excellent to each other. And party on, dudes.”(5) Plus, he could have Scott place a bet for him and win enough to fix the Jeep for real.

*** 

Stiles walks into his civics class first period on Friday to see “Happy VD!” scrawled in 6-inch letters on the chalkboard. At that size, Coach’s handwriting is surprisingly legible. Stiles isn’t sure if that’s a bad thing or a _hilarious_ thing in this case. As with most Coach-adjacent happenings, it’s a lot of both. 

Most of the class is snickering about the unintended double-meaning when Stiles walks in. Stiles scoffs at them because he suspects Coach wrote _exactly_ what he meant. Because maybe he feels the same way about Valentine’s Day as Stiles does. What a stupid fucking holiday. 

Coach isn’t even in class today. There’s just the holiday greeting on the board and a plastic jack-o’-lantern that has seen better days on his desk. Because that makes sense, right? 

Stiles is the first to poke around, finding the beat-to-hell orange tub filled with condoms instead of chocolate. He rifles through with his mouth hanging open. Coach had gone all. out. There are different colors. _Flavors_. Glow in the dark. … _Ribbed for mutual pleasure_. And, hey, even a few dental dams. Again, Stiles isn’t sure whether to be impressed or horrified. 

He tucks a few of his favorites in his back pocket before anyone notices then chucks a handful up in the air and yells “Free condoms, kids! Remember, only _you_ can prevent bushfires.”(6) Everyone just stares at him. “What? _I_ didn’t put them here.” He points to the board then to the condoms. “Come on. Suit up, assholes.”

A few students swagger up to the desk while others slide down in their seats with a blush. The captain of the basketball team rains a handful down on his boyfriend’s head. Some cheerleaders start flinging condom packets at each other like it’s a dodgeball game. 

Scott and Kira are trying to use one for flick football(7) while Lydia explains why the aerodynamics are _all wrong for that_. Malia starts blowing up a cherry-flavored one like a balloon and then scrubs furiously to get the chemical taste off her lips. Stiles can only snort at the way it makes her look like a lizard when she licks her lips to see if it’s gone yet. He distracts her by tossing a dental dam her way with a wink. 

Others wander away from the desk, but Stiles keeps digging through the stash, in continuing awe of Coach’s _spectacular_ lack of propriety. And then he sees it. At the very bottom is a small box with a hot-pink sticky note bearing Stiles’s name. It’s an XXL condom. 

Stiles buries his face in his elbow and hopes no one can hear his strangled groan. He pockets the note and slips the condom back into the mix. He doesn’t _actually_ need it. _No one_ actually needs that. XXLs are for people trying to impress others or fool themselves. 

Still, Stiles reminds himself that it’s probably the most flattering piece of gossip ever spread about him at school. It’s certainly not the worst legacy he could leave. He’d rather be remembered for _having a monster cock_ than for accidentally _killing a monster_ in the school library. 

Shit, now he’s sad. And not just because he has a pocketful of prophylactics and no one to use them with. ... Or at least not for their _intended_ purpose. He grabs a huge handful of condoms and gives half to Scott. 

Kira’s eyes go manga until Stiles says, “What? … Oh my god, dude. _No_. I …. No, no, no. Just … _water balloon fight_ , dude!”

*** 

So, apparently the no-detention thing wasn’t entirely Stiles-proof. Lydia smiles anyway and knocks shoulders with him outside the principal’s office. She’d somehow gotten through the battle completely dry, so she's in a forgiving mood.

Scott grins at Stiles. “So worth it, dude. Totally, totally worth it.” Kira nods violently in agreement. Malia just shrugs and twists another handful of her shirt, squeezing out a few drops onto Stiles’s shoes.

Stiles just laughs and throws his arms around everyone in a big soggy hug. “You guys are the best. Haaaaaaaaappy VD!”

**Author's Note:**

> (1) [wikipedia.org/wiki/Cakewalk](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cakewalk)
> 
> (2) [Trailer for _Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure_](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3fx6TugN7g)
> 
> (3) [Commencement speech bingo](http://www.wired.com/2014/05/graduation-speech-bingo)
> 
> (4) [_Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ reference!](http://buffy.wikia.com/wiki/Graduation_Day,_Part_Two)
> 
> (5) [Abe Lincoln quoting Bill & Ted](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPZUK2Oc5MM&feature=youtu.be&t=403)
> 
> (6) [Smokey the Bear!](http://www.smokeybear.com/)
> 
> (7) [en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paper_football](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paper_football)


End file.
